Have you ever tried to grow so much that you just ended up standing still?
I’ve felt like I’m in a giant rut lately. I know I want so many things, but the list has become so overwhelmingly long that I don’t even know how to rightly express them anymore. Not big things; a house, a newer/nicer/bigger car… those will come in time. I want small stuff. An organized brain, a clean house, knowledge, wisdom. I want to be one of those moms that can do it all! And I don’t know what it is, but somehow, I go from LOVING my life and my kids and enjoying every second with them, to being miserable, feeling slothlike and useless. One day, I just want to stare at Chris and play with him all day… and THOSE days, it’s SO easy to clean the house like it’s nothing. Then the next day, I just want to sleep all day, and everything gets on my nerves.
I’m glad God doesn’t operate on feelings. I wish I didn’t quite so much.
I think I need to take a break. It’s funny, when I was blogging all the time, I was much more focused. Maybe seeing what God’s doing in my life on screen makes it easier to keep letting him do it. But sometimes, I get wrapped up in other peoples’ lives… Facebook, Twitter, etc… and I see “I’m going out back to shoot a cow and it’ll be on the table in gourmet fashion for dinner with all the sides & fixins and the kids are bathed and learned to count to 1,000 today and it’s only 8 am!” and I think “What the heck is wrong with me? I just gave Alexa a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast, and I haven’t even thought about dinner, and… what?!” Agh. I know life isn’t a competition, so why am I always trying to win it? I need to get past this insecurity of not being “good enough” for my family… Maybe one day I’ll be that crazy lady who got her grocery shopping done before her husband went to work at 4 am… or maybe not. Maybe one day I’ll teach Alexa calculus… or maybe not. Maybe one day, that weird lady on that germ show on TLC will walk into my house and be impressed… or maybe she’ll run screaming. But why does that matter? Why do I keep looking at others through these awful, ungrateful, greedy eyes, wanting whatever it is they claim to have today?
I’ve been quoting a verse I can’t find now to Alexa lately… basically, it says that those who compare themselves among themselves are not wise. I found another that says it is ignorant to use fellow human beings as the standard of measurement to compare ourselves to. It’s SO funny to me how every lesson I teach Alexa, God teaches me.
I need to quit comparing myself. Beyond that, I need to stop thinking I’m going to wake up one morning and be Superwoman. I need to make a list of goals… a list, without deadlines, and just do the things I want to do, in the order that I want to do them, slowly. For example, I want to be one of those moms who can have company drop in at any time and not feel like I need to spend the whole time cleaning. We had an incident last week that resulted in the need for EVERY piece of laundry in the house needing to be washed. That was a huge undertaking. And between that and Easter weekend, the house is a mess. And it won’t always be, but today, it is. And Collin’s gone to work before the sun everyday this week, so it’s been just me and the kids. And I know that if I don’t let it get to me, I can tackle the house by myself. But that’s the problem. It gets to me, and I let it. And I start to feel like a failure. I see the house a mess and I look inward, at the mess I am, and begin to toil… and nothing gets cleaned or done, I just sit, and I wallow. Ugh.
I wanna be a cleaner. Or at least a picker-upper.
and when I have that mastered, I wanna be a cook. An amazing, healthy (or at least yummy)-food-for-every-meal mommy chef.
and when I have that mastered, I’d love to be the best mommy/teacher around.
and when I have that mastered, I’d love to be a seamstress.
and when I have that mastered… and when I have that mastered…
And UNTIL I have it mastered, I’m going to let the small failures go… because otherwise, they eat me alive.
And for right this moment, I’m going to go be the best snuggler that waking-up-baby-boy ever had 🙂